Have you ever struggled with your own sense of self-worth? Was there a time in your life when showing kindness and compassion for yourself literally took all the effort you could possibly muster? Everyone experiences lack of self-worth at some point in their lives. Sadly, some of us continually face thoughts and feelings of being unlovable, toiling with low self-esteem, and lack of self acceptance. But what is going on internally when we think negatively about ourselves and how does this affect our own behavior and our relationships with other people?
What is self-worth? Self-worth and self-esteem can seem abstract concepts, but they are interchangeable and the basis of what influences our life choices and decisions. According to Dr. Christina Hibbert: “Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing ‘I am greater than all of those things’. It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life and of incomprehensible worth”(2013). It is possible to feel “high self-esteem,” or in other words, to think I’m good at something, yet still not feel convinced that I am loveable and worthy. It refers to our belief about ourselves and our value.
Recently, I read an article that talked about the characteristics of people who held a deep sense of self-worth. Something they all had in common in their relationship with themselves and to others…it was the genuine kindness and readiness to be of service and a lack of negative judgement in their relationship to others and themselves.
So where does self-worth come from? It’s developed as a child from messages originally received from our parents and caregivers. In their actions, their affection towards us, guidance, time and generosity, we take heavy cues as children in fostering security and acceptance and we learn how to treat other people. On the other hand, criticism, broken promises, looks of disappointment or exasperation can have the opposite effect. We develop a lack of security about our own acceptability and worth as a person. Self-worth is what motivates us to take care of ourselves, strive towards goals and reach our full potential. It is what makes us resilient in terms of overcoming adversity or setbacks.
As we become young adults, we tend to rely on receiving self-worth from relationships with friends. As adults, self-worth tends to derive from what we give to others. As adults, what we believe about ourselves will matter more compared to what people tell us. No matter how desirable or loveable others tell us we are, the degree to which we are able to receive positive and loving messages is based on our ability to accept ourselves.
How do you increase Self-worth?
Here is an analogy of self-worth. Think of someone who really loves cars. Because cars are important to them, they take really good care of their cars – thinking carefully where to park their car, getting it serviced and keeping it clean, driving with due care and attention. They may even outfit the car with trim kits and show it off to people with pride. Self-worth is like this, except it’s yourself that you love, care for and feel proud of. When you believe in yourself and know you are valuable, you take good care of yourself. When considering how to increase your self-worth, here are some things to practice in your daily life: refrain from gossip and judgement, harm to people in your words and your actions; cultivate kind thoughts, positivity and gratitude, calmness and self-discipline. Practice forgiveness and respect for others.
In the CBC documentary, “Babies: Born to be Good”, Dr. David Suzuki shows how children as early as nine-months old are able to make moral choices that we never thought possible. There is a conclusion that there is an innate tendency in humans towards acts of kindness and goodness. So what does this mean? Taking an honest look at our intentions and behaving in ways that align with our soul- nature so that we may feel good about ourselves is a critical basis for self-worth.
Accessing our innate goodness and increasing our capacity to love and respect ourselves and others is also about experiencing peace and calmness. So practicing meditation, silence and stillness helps us create inner peace and acceptance. When we internalise our attention, we connect with our highest self.
The path of self-worth is a life-long undertaking. Our personal rules of moral conduct, our capacity to accept and love others, and a willingness to accept and nurture ourselves, all contribute to deepening our sense of self-worth.
If you are struggling and do not know where to start; you feel stuck; if you’re having negative thoughts often and your self-worth is not where you want to be, you can contact Willow Roots Therapy. We provide counselling to couples, families and individuals and are located at 323 Chapel Street in Ottawa, Ontario. You can contact by email at admin@willowrootstherapy.ca or call also 613-620-0660 or you can find more information at https://willowrootstherapy.ca.
References
- Hibbert, C. (2013). Self-esteem vs. self-worth: Q & A with Dr. Christina Hibbert. Retrieved from http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/self-esteem-vs-self-worth/
- Suzuki, D. (Narrator). (2012). Babies: Born to be Good [Documentary]. CBC
